What is the meaning of this untimely disturbance, Captain?
We're being shadowed, your Grace.
Pirates? We're being shadowed, your Grace.
Pirates?
Aye, but not of these waters.
We sure as hell can't outgun her, but...
but we may be able to run her out. We sure as hell can't outgun her, but...
but we may be able to run her out.
Make it so. God be with you, Captain.
Aye.
All right men, batton down the hatches!
Prepare to go riding into the storm! All right men, batton down the hatches!
Prepare to go riding into the storm!
Make way for the wind's eye, lads. Prepare to go riding into the storm!
Make way for the wind's eye, lads.
What is that devil's scribble written upon her colors?
It is Arabic.
It says, "there is no God but Zi Fang''
Sea demons!
Sir, it's gone!
It's truly a miracle.
God has shown us his divine mercy.
Glory be thy name!
Hold your praise, your Grace.
I believe our story is about to have a sea change.
God!
We'll take us a little visit. God!
We'll take us a little visit.
Go down below and hide in my cabin. We'll take us a little visit.
Go down below and hide in my cabin.
I'll fend them off as long as I can. Go down below and hide in my cabin.
I'll fend them off as long as I can.
Come with me, your Grace, we'll keep you safe. I'll fend them off as long as I can.
Come with me, your Grace, we'll keep you safe.
May God save us all.
Hide in here, your Excellency.
Don't let me die, your salvation depends upon it.
Give it to me or I'll drop you into the abyss!
I know not what you speak of.
Forgive me, Empress Za Fing.
Where is it?
Within me master.
God himself will ensure you burn in hell!
There is only one God. She stands before you.
Hail Zi Fang!
Hail Zi Fang! Hail Zi Fang! Hail Zi Fang!
Hail Zi Fang! Hail Zi Fang!
"And these men Empress?"
As you wish.
No mercy!
Captain's Log.
Sea date September 20, this year of our Lord, 1763. Captain's Log.
Sea date September 20, this year of our Lord, 1763.
wait a minute Oxford.
I look damn dashing, don't I?
You look like a man who has just crossed swords with the brutish devil himself.
and pierced his heart with the burning blade of your godly virtue.
I love your phrases Oxford.
Your heroics inspire my words, my Captain.
Let's continue. Your heroics inspire my words, my Captain.
Let's continue.
Having successfully delivered Isabella...
...and Manuel to their new island home.
The island did not have the proper resources to mend our rudder.
Thus we set sail to the new port.
This obstacle has not disenchanted the crew.
My swift and decisive victory over the infamous Victor Stagnetti. This obstacle has not disenchanted the crew.
My swift and decisive victory over the infamous Victor Stagnetti.
...has ensured the crews heart has been lifted ten-fold...
...and they promise to sail with me... ...has ensured the crews heart has been lifted ten-fold...
...and they promise to sail with me...
...onward to the blue heavenly sky...
...or to the bottom of the sea and Davy Jones Locker!
The performance of the crew has been exemplary.
Especially Wu's.
What? Especially Wu's.
What?
Especially Wu's.
"Wu's?"
Why yes, if not for Wu...
...we'd all be dead.
But it was my clever orders and thus we won.
With all due respect sir ..
I recall your words precisely... With all due respect sir ..
I recall your words precisely...
Fire those guns Wu, or we're all going to die.
You understand, sir?
But if I had not given the orders at precisely the right moment...
Uh, okay, let's continue.
"Where were we." "Aye, sir."
The crews exemplary...
The crew has been fervently practicing swordplay with Jules daily.
...and sometimes thrice a day.
I'm amazed by their razor sharp concentration ..
...and Jules' patience. I'm amazed by their razor sharp concentration ..
...and Jules' patience.
We've encountered a strange, heartwarming surprise.
Wu's sister, Hai Chau, has ventured from the Far East. We've encountered a strange, heartwarming surprise.
Wu's sister, Hai Chau, has ventured from the Far East.
...by a happy-looking bunch of sailors.
I've never seen so many calm, satisfied men upon a ship. ...by a happy-looking bunch of sailors.
I've never seen so many calm, satisfied men upon a ship.
She must have worked hard and vigorously to pay her passage.
The purpose of Hai's visit is that she has come to bring Wu...
...his father's book of ancient Chinese gunpowder magic.
She's affectionate and loving to all she encounters. ...his father's book of ancient Chinese gunpowder magic.
She's affectionate and loving to all she encounters.
She is a true Buddhist ..
I believe having her nurturing spirit aboard...
...will bring a comfort and compassion the crew has been longing for. I believe having her nurturing spirit aboard...
...will bring a comfort and compassion the crew has been longing for.
The crew has been much more at ease since Hai's arrival.
Her Buddhist kindness is ever present. The crew has been much more at ease since Hai's arrival.
Her Buddhist kindness is ever present.
At night she gives multiple crewman simultaneous massages to relax their tired bones.
...after a rough day at sea.
I want your dick.
She must be a skilled masseuse, for I have never heard such sounds of tension release.
However...
...there's been a downside to Hai's presence.
Wu has been very irritable.
Especially when Hai has been giving Buddhist blessing...
...to the crew as they work.
Moments before we left we received word from Olivia...
...Sarina's cousin, the governor of Littleton, Jamaica...
...has issued a warrant for Sarina's arrest.
Sarina has ordered her cousin to stay aboard to protect us ..
...from any hostile forces searching for her.
A kind gesture...
...but highly unnecessary.
That's when we arrive in Kingston...
I will see the Governor to ask for Sarina's pardon.
As for myself, I've never felt more keen and vigilant.
And ready to kick some pirate ass...
...with these twin, hell-fire cannons.
Indeed, sir.
My you are a mighty frigate of destruction.
What?
A mighty warship of destruction.
Yes ..
A mighty warship of destruction.
Oh God, please don't kill me! I didn't know I was near Tortuga.
You haven't learned to keep your guard up have you?
Olivia!
I was merely playing a game.
I'm Captain Edward Reynolds, master and commander of... I was merely playing a game.
I'm Captain Edward Reynolds, master and commander of...
...vigilance! I'm Captain Edward Reynolds, master and commander of...
...vigilance!
Sarina is right to ask for my protection.
A noble gesture but highly unnecessary.
Once Governor Littleton learns of Sarina's help...
...in defeating Victor Stagnetti...
...he'll have no choice but to issue her a full pardon.
Don't be foolish, Captain.
The governor will never pardon Sarina.
The King demands that all Pirates be washed clean from the seas.
My father has close ties with his majesty...
...and if I ask,...King's justice will prevail.
King Gorge wants the complete extermination of all pirates ...
...This is about commerce. Not justice.
His majesty watches over his loyal subjects...
Sarina shall receive a full pardon.
I will do whatever it takes to save Sarina and protect this ship.
If you get in my way...
...I will take the helm.
Ye better open this door or I'll be blasting it open!
Ye be the Governor's daughters say I.
Yes, we are his daughters.
Please do not hurt us, sir. Yes, we are his daughters.
Please do not hurt us, sir.
Call me Devil Dick Willie.
That's what me matees call me.
Yes, Devil Dick Willie.
Ah, don't you be afraid of me.
I just be after your father's gold.
Now, where is it?
We don't know Devil Dick Willie.
Ye better be telling me something...
Or I'll be cutting you open to see if there be gold in ye.
We don't have it. It's with him.
Where be he?
In England.
I came here to get some gold...and gold I'll be a'gettin'
What about this treasure, Devil Dick Willie?
Now that be fine...
Nothing better than the Governor's private treasures!
Governor.
Damn you, bloody twit...
Didn't I tell you tell you never to disturb me while I play?
Forgive me, Governor
Captain Edward Reynolds and his first mate Jules are here to see you. Forgive me, Governor
Captain Edward Reynolds and his first mate Jules are here to see you.
He says he has important business to discuss.
Tell him I'm writing a letter.
...to King George, take him down to the dining hall...
...I'll be there momentarily.
Yes, Governor.
Now then, where be me treasures?
Now my little treasures.
You know they don't call me Devil Dick for nothing.
Oh, we know!
My little treasure on the left says, "more, more, more".
Oh yes, Devil Dick Willie! Fuck me!
Fuck me, just like that.
I'm going to come!
Take this pussy, it's worth more than gold!
It is worth more than gold, my treasures.
My little cherubs.
It tastes so good.
This is ridiculous. We've been here over an hour.
Keep your voice down.
This is a blatant insult to a hero of my stature.
My father and I have dined with King George himself...
...the Governor's going to hear my condemnation of his behavior...
...as soon as he arrives. ...the Governor's going to hear my condemnation of his behavior...
...as soon as he arrives.
If he ever arrives!
Do you wish the Governor to free Sarina?
Yes.
Then silence. Restrain yourself. Yes.
Then silence. Restrain yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...the Governor of Jamaica, Baron William Henry Littleton.
It's about time.
Shhh! It's about time.
Shhh!
Welcome
Honored pirate hunters! Who is this lovely creature? Welcome
Honored pirate hunters! Who is this lovely creature?
This is my first mate, Commander Jules Steele.
.. and I must say, Governor, it is an honor to be in your presence.
You must be one of the most beautiful pirate hunters...
Indeed, perhaps one of the most beautiful women ...
...in the entire British Empire.
I can assure you, Governor, she is also quite deadly.
Indeed, her beauty does appear to be quite lethal.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Captain Edward Reynolds at your service.
I'm quite aware of your name and rank.
Then perhaps when your done eating her hand....
You're quite a dashing young man yourself, aren't you?
Thank you, Governor.
Women must be clawing at your hull to get aboard your massive vessel.
Well, it's no secret of my allure to women.
...and these might guns of steel...
You are most strong.
The mean aboard this ship must me in awe and jealousy of your virility and classical beauty.
Thank you, Governor, you are quite dapper yourself.
You must tell me, who's your tailor?
Governor! You must tell me, who's your tailor?
Governor!
May we speak to you about an urgent matter?
Yes of course. Please be seated. May we speak to you about an urgent matter?
Yes of course. Please be seated.
How disrespectful of me.
I forgot to thank you on behalf of His Majesty.
...for vanquishing Captain Victor Stagnetti.
tell me how did you defeat the bastard.
It's all about timing...
You see the Sea Stallions guns had malfunctioned...
...at the precise time the Devil's Rose came around.
...the precise time I was able to fire all the canons.
So you fired the guns yourself during the battle?
No I was at the helm.
Ah, so it was your master gunner who saved the day?
Please, proceed.
You issued an arrest warrant for Sarina, Captain Stagnetti's first mate. Please, proceed.
You issued an arrest warrant for Sarina, Captain Stagnetti's first mate.
Marvelous can you bring her before me?
Aye, His Majesty is longing to see the infamous Sarina hanging...
...from the execution blocks.
We don't have her. ...from the execution blocks.
We don't have her.
What?
That's rather odd.
I had information she was aboard your ship.
Where is she? I had information she was aboard your ship.
Where is she?
It's very complicated...
She fled when she discovered we were sailing to Kingston.
Mmm. His Majesty will be most displeased.
Normally, I would be forced to hang you both.
Harboring a pirate and letting her escape.
Sarina helped kill Victor Stagnetti.
What! Bloody impossible!
No it's true.
She abandoned her ship and helped us.
That's why were here begging for your pardon. She abandoned her ship and helped us.
That's why were here begging for your pardon.
It was with her aid we were able to defeat the Devil's Rose.
I would like to...
...but my hands are tied by the King.
He wants her dead.
Like Black Beard and so many others before. He wants her dead.
Like Black Beard and so many others before.
There must be someway His Majesty may pardon Sarina.
Well...
Maybe it is possible...
Perhaps you can perform a service for His Majesty.
What is it?
Well there was a missionary ship...
...with the Archibishop of Canterbury on board and some treasure.
It was attacked by some barbury pirates.
...under the command of... It was attacked by some barbury pirates.
...under the command of...
...of a Chinese Empress, Zi Fang.
His Majesty wants the pirates executed and his treasure, a blue pearl returned.
We would be honored to do His Majesty's bidding.
What is the value of this blue pearl?
Mmm, no actual value.
.. sentimental value to the King.
Look here, this is an illustration...
.. of the colors of Zi Fang,
It is written in Arabic.
It says, there is no God only Zi Fang.
So...
You have quite a dangerous little adventure.
...and the night draws on.
Why not stay with me this night?
Hell's bells and buckets of blood!
Thank you Governor. Hell's bells and buckets of blood!
Thank you Governor.
I would be most honored, but unfortunately we need to be...
...underway immediately if not sooner.
Thank you very much for your hospitality.
Do come again.
If we kill these pirates and return the treasure ..
Governor Littleton will have no option to give her her freedom.
Wu.
Yes Captain.
Wu, what can you tell me about this Chinese pirate Empress.
Oh yes Captain, she's the dragon queen of the sea.
She's immortal and impossible to kill.
Main weakness is chow mein.
Her weakness is chow mein? Main weakness is chow mein.
Her weakness is chow mein?
Yes, Captain.
Juels, we will need a shitload of chow mein
Edward, he's joking.
Yes, only because I am Chinese doesn't mean I know every Chinese private captain.
Alright.
This is the plan.
Juels and I discovered their boat goes tomorrow ..
for one of the last pirate havens on earth. Juels and I discovered their boat goes tomorrow ..
for one of the last pirated haves on earth. for one of the last pirate havens on earth.
Edward and I are going to try to buy passage on the vessel tonigght.
Hopefully we'll find this pirate Empress.
How exciting! Hopefully we'll find this pirate Empress.
How exciting!
When do we sail captain?
If all goes well, Juels and I will leave in the morning.
I think it's best you stay behind.
Captain with all due respect...
...don't you think my talents... Captain with all due respect...
...don't you think my talents...
...could be best utilized...
...in a cove such as Shevulva?
Oxford...Oxford...
...your....third in command!
What I need from you is that you stay behind with Wu.
...supervise the repairs.
Captain.
Captain ... Captain?
Captain.
Really? Really.
Me???
You!
Captain Oxford!
Yes Sir!
Thank you, Sir! Thank you! Thank you!
I'm going to need your help if we are to save Sarina.
What are you talking about, what do you want me to do?
Your Captain's foolishness is going to kill us all.
stupid .. and we are going to kill we must organize a mutiny. Your Captain's foolishness is going to kill us all.
stupid .. and we are going to kill we must organize a mutiny.
Mutiny? Never!
Not only is he a fine captain, he's my best friend.
Do not let your feelings of friendship get between the well-being of this crew...
I will lead us to safety.
He led us to victory against Stagnetti...
.. and he will take us to victory again.
How did you ever become 2nd in command being so weak?
Keep insulting me and you'll find out just how weak I am.
I fight warriors not whores.
Are not you his whore?
Where is Olivia?
Guarding the ship. Where is Olivia?
Guarding the ship.
Any luck?
The captain agreed to give us passage to Shevulva island. Any luck?
The captain agreed to give us passage to Shevulva island.
How much?
600 pieces of eight.
600 pieces of 8!
You might as well take my right arm!
That's rediculous!
That's the only ship sailing to Shevulva island.
Did you even try to negotiate?
His terms were non-negotiable.
Just a minute.
Captain?
What?
Have you secured passage yet?
I suppose so.
This isn't piracy Jules. This is pirate rape!
What did you expect?
Oh excellent!
We'll be needing some silver as well, Sir.
Did you get some men to repair the rudder?
How much?
No idea? I have yet to get a single estimate.
So.
It will cost more than this.
Get several estimates and take the cheapest. It will cost more than this.
Get several estimates and take the cheapest.
I see.
Be frugal Oxford. This adventure is costing me a fortune.
Aye Captain.
This is not so bad.
So...
The governor was not only an erotomanic...
...but an arrogant fool as well.
How dare he have the audacity to question my command... ...but an arrogant fool as well.
How dare he have the audacity to question my command...
...What would he know of the heat of battle.
If it wasn't for the fact he was governor, we would've crossed blades.
Calm down. There's no need to get yourself worked up.
I should've left as soon as he issued his first insult. Calm down. There's no need to get yourself worked up.
I should've left as soon as he issued his first insult.
I'm a fraud...Oh my god, I'm a fraud.
Everybody knows it. Olivia. Oxford.
Oh lord help me.
What's wrong?
Oh god, I'm dying. What's wrong?
Oh god, I'm dying.
Oh this is it. Oh lord, I'm coming.
My life is flashing before my eyes.
I fucked my retarded cousin! My life is flashing before my eyes.
I fucked my retarded cousin!
Oh lord help me. I'm coming.
Edward, you're not dying.
Okay. Breathe.
You're just having one of your panic attacks.
Just breathe.
What are you doing.
Breathing.
Breathe with me now.
There, there. Good. Come on.
Feeling better?
Yeah....No!
Edward what's going on? Yeah....No!
Edward what's going on?
The governor was right.
I don't know what I'm doing in battle.
Wu saved us, not I.
I'm a coward.
Nonsense. You're absolutely courageous.
I'm an idiot.
What are you talking about?
You fought off all those deadly warrior skeletons.
I fought one.
I was tangled up with him the whole time. I'm an idiot.
You're not an idiot.
You're the great captain who led us to victory.
We had 2 alternatives.
To die or survive.
We survived because of you, Edward. To die or survive.
We survived because of you, Edward.
Oxford, Wu, Sarina all believed in your strength.
Just look at it.
It's there. Don't ever 2nd guess your strength.
Juels.
Yes.
Thank you for being such an extraordinary friend.
No need to thank me. We are family.
I have to pee.
OK, go before you pee on me.
Did you say you had sex with your retarded cousin?
Man the boarding hooks and battle axes.
No bloody pirates...
...will ever board this vessel. No bloody pirates...
...will ever board this vessel.
...without first tasting the sword...
...of Captain Oxford Buckingham!
Hai! Hai! I'm sorry. Hai!
What the devil are you doing here?
Hai! Got away!
Why do you think that?
She escaped. Why do you think that?
She escaped.
We need to find her! She escaped.
We need to find her!
Wu it's late.
We need some rest.
We'll get some men and fix this rudder. We need some rest.
We'll get some men and fix this rudder.
Fine. I will go alone.
Alright I'm coming.
Perhaps we should bring Olivia.
She gone too!
Well we've arrived at the Devil's Circus.
What's next?
Next. We split up. We'll be able to cover more ground that way.
In an hour I'll meet you at that temple.
Aye.
Commander, be vigilant.
You as well.
Here we have a lovely plum delight to satisfy you.
... for your every desire.
Start the bidding at 20 pieces of eight.
Come on, matees. This is a fine and sturdy woman.
She'll be good. You think so?
20 pieces of eight.
This one looks like a bargain to me, matee.
Yeah, if you like a woman with lots and lots of curves.
If I was a whale hunter I'd be in heaven, heh?
Hey matee.
OK, matee bros.
I'm going to give you a once in a lifetime deal.
15 pieces of eight.
I'll offer 15 pieces of eight.
Now 15, do I hear 16?
Aye, 16.
Now your bidding matee.
Do I hear 17?
17?
16 going once...
16 going twice...Sold to the wee pirate.
Next, we have this exquisite jewel up for sale.
Here she is kidnapped all the way from Paris, France.
I bring you young Ann, matees.
Sounds like the crem de la crem.
She is exquisite.
Could I trouble you?
To describe her beauty to me matee?
Me being a poor old blind man.
Oh, uh, no problem.
She has long locks with shock black hair.
Oh, me likes a black widow.
How is her skin?
Me don't be wanting any blemishes.
And I won't be tolerating any oily fish face either.
You're a tough customer.
Me likes what me likes.
Go on.
Well her skin is white, smooth and creamy.
There's not a blemish on it....wait!
There's a mole.
How about her breasts?
Are they flapjacks? Raisains? Or flapjacks with a big raisin on top?
I'm afraid you've lost me on that one.
Matees, we'll start the bidding at 50 pieces of eight.
Sir, can I trouble you to bid for me?
Uh, yes, no problem.
Oh, by the way, have you heard of a Chinese pirate empress named Zi Fang?
Ye be looking for trouble, heh? Oh, by the way, have you heard of a Chinese pirate empress named Zi Fang?
Ye be looking for trouble, heh?
Always.
I've heard of her, but Takvor... Always.
I've heard of her, but Takvor...
50, do I hear 60? I've heard of her, but Takvor...
50, do I hear 60?
60. Well done. Do I hear 70?
70, 70. 70!
Who's Takvor?
80.
Do I hear 90?
You must be new in these waters
90, go 90!
I'm just bad with names that's all.
100!
120!
130, 130! and that be Takvor slave girl ye be bidding on.
Or that Takvor, I thought you meant a different Tackvor.
130!
200!
Mother fucker.
300.
400.
I don't have that kind of silver.
Don't worry, I've got it covered.
500!
6...Now you're bidding like kings!
do I hear 700?
700!
733.
This is ridiculous.
One-thousand!!
Are ye crazy, matee?
1000 pieces of eight! Are ye crazy, matee?
1000 pieces of eight!
Do I hear 1010? 1010?
1000 going once. 1000 going twice.
Sold to my handsome friend.
You pirate, scurvy, scummy, scoundrel!
Congratulations my friend.
You get the best that silver can buy.
By the way, I don't see a large sack of silver for me.
Well I've got a large sack for you.
Easy bro! Well I've got a large sack for you.
Easy bro!
But it's not silver. More than enough to cover the bid.
How did you know that my favorite color was gold?
Just a hunch I guess.
I'm Takvor. You may have heard of me.
Not really bro.
Armenian gold Takvor?
Sorry. Doesn't ring a bell.
No matter. What is your name?
My name, my name is Jackson.
Stone...Cold Jackson...
I may have heard of you.
Were you the one who found Captain Morgan's lost gold?
That twas I...that twas I that found Captain Morgan's lost gold.
Come let me give you your pretty sex slave. That twas I...that twas I that found Captain Morgan's lost gold.
Come let me give you your pretty sex slave.
It would be my pleasure to have you as my guest of honor.
Come to my solid gold tent palace. It would be my pleasure to have you as my guest of honor.
Come to my solid gold tent palace.
there will be girls...meat...and rum.
It will be a pleasure sir.
So you've already met...
I am known as Zi Fang. And you are?
The Pirate Empress.
That's not what I asked. The Pirate Empress.
That's not what I asked.
You can call me the King's Law.
There is no law here.
Drop it.
You see Pirate Hunter, there's a new piracy in Shevulva.
Stone Cold Jackson, welcome to my golden palace.
Be careful!
Everything is golden.
What a unique concept.
Here why not have a seat here next to my throne?
Here have a seat.
Sorry, there is a wet spot on the floor.
I sleep and I eat here in my tent.
Yes.
Tell me Stone Cold Jackson, do you like my palace?
It is very gold.
It is my personality, yes.
Absolutely, bro.
Not sure, I need a name that sounds pure evil.
How's that?
No one has ever heard of Arminian Gold Takvor. How's that?
No one has ever heard of Arminian Gold Takvor.
I try switching things around like Takvor.
...the Gold Armenian...nothing sticks!
I need name that strikes fear in guts of men!
Like Black Beard, Black Board, or Victor Stagnetti.
What do you think of ''Gold Beard" or "Gold Bard".
Gold Beard sounds like a rabbi pirate.
Look you are really stuck on this gold thing.
What's wrong with gold bro?
Absolutely nothing bro, but if you're going to terrorize the sea..
To really terrorize the sea, you need a name strikes fear in the hearts of people.
A name for example, like say, Chinese Empress Zi fang. To really terrorize the sea, you need a name strikes fear in the hearts of people.
A name for example, like say, Chinese Empress Zi fang.
How'd you know about Zi Fang?
Right...everybody knows about Zi Fang.
You know bro, Zi Fang is on this very island as we speak.
You don't say.
I could introduce you to her.
Between you and me...I'm more evil.
I'm evil.
I like that...evil gold...evil gold.
You must remember, it's not the name that brings a man infamy,...
It's his infamous deeds that bring infamy to his name. You must remember, it's not the name that brings a man infamy,...
It's his infamous deeds that bring infamy to his name.
Yes! Action!
I like you. Much wisdom.
Now let's have some women!
Women.
Now we will enjoy the show.
See you and I are very similar.
Fuck me.
I don't think it gets any better than this Takvor.
This way, Wu.
Bad idea. This part does not look like happy alley.
Don't be silly. It is perfectly happy.
Okay.
You know Wu, I've been thinking.
We could give Hai a wider berth, if you know what I mean.
Let her do as she pleases a little bit.
Then she might not feel so inclined to go running off like this.
You don't know nothing, she's my little happy sister.
I protect her. You don't know nothing, she's my little happy sister.
I protect her.
Even from herself.
She might not be as little as you think she is.
Besides we need to be concentrating on repairing the Sea Stallion.
Not out wandering the wretched alleyway.
Do not blame me, this was your idea.
Aye, matee. Me thinking ye be lost!
I do wish you'd tell me the truth.
You will die before this story ends.
On my life, that is the truth.
Do you like him?
All the Chinese Emperors used this ritual to maintain obedience
All the emperor gods were forced to drink from it to prevent assassination.
Now, what is your name?
And why are you here?
Why ye be sitting alone in the dark, matee?
Because darkness has enveloped my soul. Why ye be sitting alone in the dark, matee?
Because darkness has enveloped my soul.
And extinguished my love.
You still carrying that burned out torch for that dead whore?
What you need is to blast your pistol on a young maid.
You're right Bernard.
You're absolutely right. But let me ask you just a question.
You see any women, here, in the bar? No! OK.
There's no women here. You know why? Because they all went to Tortuga.
Which is where I told you we needed to go in the first place.
OK? Tortuga.
Everybody's in Tortuga.
Never you mind Tortuga.
I've got you a young, exotic double harlot...
...you'll never find in Tortuga.
She'll make all your happy come out!
Where is she?
Bring her in, matee. Where is she?
Bring her in, matee.
Want more massage Bigbee?
First, give me Captain Marco here a touch of those devil hands.
You know who I am?
Bernard said you Marco.
And Bernard said I was a murderer?
You don't look like a murderer.
I kill men for gold.
That's OK. A rot of peoprl do that.
I jut wanna make you happy. Jou know?
I kill women too.
I burn 'em alive.
Why you do that?
She broke my heart.
Oh you poor wittle panda bear.
I am a poor little panda bear.
Oh, I so sorry.
Oooo...
Marco I so confused.
You my best rover.
I don't know what you mean?
I can't reave you...
And I can't reave my brudda...
Eh. I don't understand.
I wanna be a good wife to you...
...but I have take care of my brudda.
Wife? What?
What? You not wanna mally me?
OK....wait...
We hardly know each other. OK?
I mean it was really fun and all. But, gosh!
You are my best rover. You have to mally me.
Like hell I do!
Ow! Ow! That hurts!
Mally me!
Oh....!
Mally me! Oh....!
Mally me!
Don't I have time to think about this at all?
Will you mally me?
That does not hurt because ...
because my tongue has gone numb.
Mally me! It Chinese raw!
What have you done to me, you witch?
Mally me!
You can't force me to do something I don't want to do!
500 more pressure point!
I have to hand it to you, Takvor. You really know how to live.
Nah, you should see my gold ship.
Totally gold, bro.
Complete with gold fringe.
Takvor, your name is going to sail forth to infamy!
It's my dream to be amongs the greats. Black Beard...Red Beard...Red Board.
Why don't you get to know your pretty slave while I find Zi Fang for you?
come
Your pretty slave is waiting you.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
So you're my new master?
Well let's not be so formal.
My name is....Edward Reynolds.
Edward is a beautiful name, master.
thank you
I...
Would you like to take my body now?
I, uh, think we might just get to know each other a little bit first.
Perhaps...
Yeah. Let's do that.
Like for example, what's your name?
Whatever you wish to call me master.
You know, I think, uh, we know each other well enough now.
Oh...
Mmm...yes.
What am I supposed to do with this big thing master?
That's a good start.
Is this what you like?
To tell the truth, I get that all the time from my slaves.
Maybe if you went deeper on it...
Something like that is nice. Mmm...mmm!
Oh, that's my dirty slave.
Suck those cannonballs.
Suck me!
Suck 'em harder.
Yes. Yes.
Give me that big fucking dick, master. Yes. Yes.
Give me that big fucking dick, master.
Yes, right in that slutty, little pussy.
Yes!
Harder! Yes! Harder!
Yes! Oh my....
Fuck! Yes! You fuck that pussy so good master.
Don't stop!
Pound it please!
Pound it till my pussy comes! Don't stop! Pound it please!
Pound it till my pussy comes! Don't stop!
Suck my cock!
Oh, yeah. Suck it harder
Suck it harder.
Yes.
I'll be your perfect slave.
Am I your perfect slave girl, master?
Suck your pussy juices off my cock.
I'll be your slave girl master. You can even have my ass! Suck your pussy juices off my cock.
I'll be your slave girl master. You can even have my ass!
What was that?
You can take my ass, if you want it.
Every fucking hole of mine is yours, master.
Does it please you?
Oh, that's so big in my ass, master.
That's it my dirty slave.
Thank me for killing Victor Stagnetti.
Yes master. Thanks for killing Victor Stagnetti.
So brave and strong
It was my order that sunk his ship.
It was my order.
Thank me for killing Victor Stagnetti.
Thank you master, for killing Victor Stagnetti.
Without the help of Wu.
Without any help from Wu, master.
Tell me I'm the greates pirate hunter that ever lived.
You're the greatest pirated hunter that ever lived, master.
I thought everybody knew that.
Milk that cum from your dick?
Yes.
The greatest pirate hunter that ever lived.
I like that.
You're definitely my best lover, master.
You know?
I know some other slave women that we could enjoy together.
Would you?
That would be fantastic!
What is it, master?
Jules! What are you doing here?
I've come for you, Edward.
Well that's nice, but wait for me outside. I'll be right there.
Let me get my dungarees on.
Jules!
This is highly inappropriate behavior.
I want you inside me, Edward.
May I watch?
No!
A commander should never be inside his first officer. For any reason!
I want you inside, right now.
We're family. I can't do that. I want you inside, right now.
We're family. I can't do that.
I want you inside my ass.
Listen, Jules, I'm not sure what's wrong with you.
But whatever it is...
Jules, stop it. This is gross.
Take Jules to the ship.
As you wish, master.
What are you doing? Get your hands off me.
Let her go! Take me!
She's my captain's prize.
Who's your captain?
You know him.
Captain Victor Stagnetti.
Stagnetti! He's dead.
I killed him.
He's very much alive.
And Jules is going to lead us to him.
Yes master.
Don't do it Jules! Silence!
I opened up my tent to you...
You filled it up with lies!
Your dead to me!
Take him to the pit.
Jules!
Get your hands off me you filthy, stinking ape!
We will pay you for your services in gold.
Most excellent!
Fight!...Fight!...Fight!....
Listen! I don't want to hurt you.
Let's put on a good show and maybe we can both get out of her alive.
Come on. Gotta do a better job than that.
We gotta make it look real!
How did you do that?
Look at you, homey.
Son of a bitch!
Edward.
I'll open the gate.
I was just about to break that thing when you showed up.
Right.
Edward. Yes. Let's go.
You!
She's with me.
Edward what were you doing in there? You could've been eaten alive.
It wasn't exactly by choice.
By the way, I was kicking ass.
It's dangerous here. We need to return to my ship.
Wait a minute! I need answers.
I need answers now!
Right.
Holy cow!
You brought me another devil in the flesh.
What..., matee?
That squinty-eyed devil is more squinty-eyed than that she-devil you brought before.
Hai! Have you seen her? Where is she?
Devil speaks with a tongue, but I don't know what he says.
I'm not a devil!
I'm from China, you idiot!
China's another name for hell!
No, no, no. China is another country.
It's in the Far East, near India.
Shut your mouth, devil servant.
Please sir...
I'm no servant of the devil, nor of Wu.
Actually, currently, I'm acting captain.
Hold ye tongue, or I'll be cutting it out. Says I.
The captain will have no use for these, nor will I.
But you said if we brought you a couple of crew, it would settle our debt.
These ain't crewman. It's the devil and his man-lusting devil servant.
However, I'll make a deal with you.
You kill 'em both...
...and I'll see that your debt is paid.
Just don't go marooning yourself again, matees.
We need to talk about this harlot you gave me.
Hai! Are you alive?
Are you alive? Wu!
What are you doing here?
Who's Wu?
"Wu" is devilese for "devil".
Oh.
It was like Zi Fang controlled her mind or something.
She wasn't my beloved Jules, she was... It was like Zi Fang controlled her mind or something.
She wasn't my beloved Jules, she was...
Helmsman, make way for open waters. Aye.
What does that thing want with Jules?
Zi Fang? Zi Fang seeks Stagnetti.
What?! He's dead.
I know. Seems absolutely ludicrous.
I saw him in Dead Skeleton Waters, and I've seen them too.
How do you know Stagnetti?
I was forced along with Sarina to join his crew or die.
So I did, until I was betrayed and imprisoned.
Sorry.
The Sceptre.
The Sceptre gives him protected powers of Evil. The Sceptre.
The Sceptre gives him protected powers of Evil.
If we don't get to Victor before Zi Fang does, no man will.
I am no ordinary man.
I defeated him before...and I will defeat him again.
Are you prepared to go up against Satan's rule?
I am a captain...
...who changes the wind of destiny.
It is my will that will end this conflict, now and forever.
Do you have any cannons?
Stagnetti took my sister away in the middle of the night.
And the last I heard, she was sold as a sex slave to a pirate.
Oh.
Oh. I see...
You see nothing.
I will not rest until my sister is home safe.
I've spent the last three years hunting Victor Stagnetti.
What makes you think you have a chance catching him?
Because I did it before and if I have to....I'll do it again.
Is that so?
Run around the Caribbean?
I thought your master gunner was the one who sunk the Devil's Rose?
A vicious lie from my jealous adversaries.
It was my orders that sunk the Devil's Rose.
I defeated Stagnetti and nobody else.
Just watch. You'll see my glory.
We shall see.
Proceed.
Captain Reynolds?
The captain wishes to inform you that we will arrive in a few hours.
Thank you.
Captain Reynolds, we wish to have a word with you sir.
Certainly.
We wish to hear the story of how you sent the Devil's Rose...
...and Stagnetti down to Davy Jones' Locker.
I'm sorry sailors. I don't have time for tales now.
Please captain.
All the pirates and sailors tell the tale of how you bravely defeated Stagnetti.
We just wish to hear it from your handsome lips.
Well perhaps I have time for the short version...
...how I defeated the Devil's Rose.
Oh wonderful! Thank you sir.
Thank you captain.
The first time I did battle with evil Victor Stagnetti...
was at an ancient Incan cave...
What was in the cave?
The cave?
Lots of rocks.
Were there giant man-eating snakes?
No not exactly.
Awww...
Well there were other dangerous things.
Like what?!
There was a....
...giant...
Well what was it?
Porcupine!
Porcupine?
Well that's not very scary at all.
Yeah...with....
...3 snarling lion heads!
How frightening!
Oh you don't know the worst of it.
Uh...It's feet were giant man-eating crocodiles!
It's hands were....
Large poisonous tarantulas!
And it had a massive tail!
There was a huge king cobra!
Over the top, poised to strike!
Over the top of the 3 giant lionheads!
What did you do?
What did I do? Well....
I didn't do anything I couldn't do.
And as I stood there poised over the 3 lion heads...
...I felt the dark shadow of the king cobra...
...poised for its death strike.
Venom dripped from its fangs into my open mouth!
I spat the poison back into the beast's eyes, thus blinding it.
As I staired into Stagnetti's eyes...
3 million skeletons arose from hell...
...from the fiery depths...
Were you afraid?
Afraid? Fear is a foreign word to me...
I know nothing of the word "fear".
As I ruled the shark over the bow of the Devil's Rose with cutlasses...
...flashing with one single blow...
...I severed the head of Victor Stagnetti!
And damned Lucifer back to hell!
And then the heaven's opened up...
...and God came forth.
and he kissed me upon the forehead.
And all was well with humanity,...
and all living things. Amen.
You are so brave!
...and so beautiful!
We must reward you for saving the world.
I require no reward.
The only reward I need is sunshine on my face and...
...sea air in my nostrils.
So modest. Kiss me!
Oh, kiss me too!
Well, perhaps just a little reward.
I have been rather good lately.
Yes!
Suck it hard. Come on.
Yeah, suck that mighty pirate sword.
That's it pirates.
Kneel before the mighty sword of the greatest pirate hunter that ever lived.
Calabarus Island.
Captain Stagnetti lies in the waters beneath us.
It's so small, but so powerful.
It was first captured by the Spanish...
So that king wants to use it to find sunken treasures.
It's a shame that it will be lost forever.
Send the Strongest man.
Have him bring...to me.
Come forth!
All hail, Emperor Stagnetti.
Step aside.
It's time for darkness to rain upon the sea.
Black heart has been reborn from the sea.
Really? I don't see anything.
His presence infects me.
My sword shall be my nemesis.
Do you think Jules is still alive?
No matter. This isn't just about killing Victor for my own peace.
It's about vengeance for the innocents who died by his sword.
...and mine.
This must end.
Sarina left the Sea Stallion to protect Jules' life.
Are you willing to sacrifice her life for his?
Too many have been burned...
...tortured,...
murdered and raped because of my apathy.
You've walked away from darkness. Cleanse your life from evil.
My hands are stained.
My soul is stained with the blood of their hearts.
Would you have the innocent blood of Jules on your hands as well?
It's good to see you again, my love.
Address me as Emperor or Master.
Yes, my master.
So how did you manage to capture this little pirate hunter?
She was hunting me?
In exchange for Sarina's pardon for piracy.
So Sarina has joined the ranks of the pirate hunters?
Yes, master.
She'll soon return to me.
Do you still love her?
Love is God's work not mine.
I seek only to devour the flesh.
Jules?
Come to me.
The dark siren sings her song of ecstasy once again.
Come devour your prize...
Ahoy, ahoy, Zi Fang off the starboard bow.
Ready.
We're lucky to catch her from behind.
The odds are in our favor.
The odds will change, Captain.
You can rest assured of that.
It's not the Sea Stallion.
The Sea Stallion is in port for repairs.
Captain Reynolds may've chartered another ship.
Very good.
She swallowed the bait.
The sea will soon swallow her.
I met some good friends while I was down in HELL!
You're right, Captain, our odds just changed.
Why's it always got to be this supernatural shit?...
Why can't I fight a good 'ole pirate with a wooden leg and eye patch?
Those only exist in fairy tales.
That ghost ship is on a head-on collision course with us.
I think it's gonna come to this.
Here she comes. Fire the guns!
I didn't expect that. Did you?
Do you wish to fire the stun guns?
No. Let's see what me dead matee's can do with them.
There going to be board and board with us.
All hands on deck ready for battle.
You think maybe will get lucky and they'll sail past us?
Now Edward.
You know that wouldn't be any fun.
Fun?!
I just want to fight something that's not dead already.
They are dead, so when you're fighting try not to get your sword tangled.
Captain don't get your sword tangled.
Keep sailing towards Zi Fang's ship.
I want to be board and board with her. Aye, aye, captain.
Why does it always happen to me?
Edward, I told you...go for the head.
She's heading directly for us, master.
Good, prepare your men for battle.
Prepare for battle! Good, prepare your men for battle.
Prepare for battle!
You're going to let them board?
What do you think?
Oh now this is getting fucking ridiculous!
What do you think you're doing? I'm not fighting this thing!
I'll be right back.
Olivia, good to see you again my old friend.
May the greater evil win.
First bones, then a giant squid. What an ass pirate!
That got 'em! I told you I'd know where they'd be!
Give 'em another shot of hell fire Wu.
Not until you promise to marry my sister!
Your captain's about to get eaten by a giant squid!
Now's not the time to talk about this Wu.
He's coming right at us! Wu reload the guns!
Wu, Wu, can you hear me?
I can hear you.
What are you doing up here? Get down there and load those guns!
Agree to marry her first! Yeah agree mally me!
OK!
You promise? Yes!
I'll even marry you, Wu. Now load those weapons!
OK.
You better not lie to me!
Please go down there and load the cannons!
You don't have to yell!
What kind of crazy family am I marrying into?
Famiry panda rove. What kind of crazy family am I marrying into?
Famiry panda rove.
Devils! Ye be marrying into devils!
Happy now? I shit my pants again!
I hope there is a celebration...and you are the guest of honor.
Enjoy the festivities.
You first! I like to arrive fashionably late.
Give my regards to Davy J, you fucking bitch.
Jules what are you doing?
Obeying my master.
Well done, my slave.
Now open her up and drink her blood.
As you wish, master.
The grit is a horrifying ghost that lingers until you become a ghost yourself.
I know. I should have slit your throat the night you betrayed me.
It is my deepest regret.
I regret I didn't stay to ensure your horrifying end.
I would've loved to watch the rats chew the flesh from your bones.
...as you gazed into my hateful eyes.
Don't fall asleep.
I want you to watch your friend suffer my blade...
...while I drink your blood.
That will be your last bite, Sea Dog!
Listen to the rich boy, who hasn't seen a pirate since our last encounter.
He speaks like a hardened sea whore.
...sceptre. He speaks like a hardened sea whore.
...sceptre.
I killed you the first time...
Oh, I doubt that, Edward.
Your tactical maneuvers are novice, Edward.
A 10 year old cabin boy could've commanded better.
Maybe, but I still sunk your vessel.
You were adrift. However, there'll be no saving grace... Maybe, but I still sunk your vessel.
You were adrift. However, there'll be no saving grace...
...for your master gunner.
...this time.
You are an inadequate swordsman.
How's it feel Edward?
Just feel, Victor!
How does it feel...knowing you were killed by the greatest pirate hunter ever?
How's it feel?
Edward!
You alright?
I'm alright.
Jules! Jules! Jules, are you alive?
Jules! Jules!
If you don't stop, Edward, I'm going to kick you in the balls.
You're alive.
Thank you for saving my life.
You're welcome.
?
What?
Edward, what are you doing here?
Why? I just saved your life.
Both of your lives, not that anyone noticed.
Really? I don't remember that.
I did the most courageous thing in my whole life and no one noticed.
I believe it was very courageous, but can we go home?
How could Edward save the day when Wu is not around?
Well let me tell you. I killed Victor Stagnetti.
He's dead!
I do believe you though.
You don't? Don't believe me?
He must have fallen overboard.
We did it!
We certainly did, Oxford.
Me so happy!
What did I tell you about clinging to me while I pilot my ship?
I your baby panda!
Ok, when this battle is over...
...we are going over proper battle protocal.
Do you understand me?
I have baby panda rub for you.
Get off me.
I ruv you!
Get off!
I ruv you!
?
Hai, for the love of gold, can you please give me a minute to myself?!
I thought...
I see that Hai certainly has you under a lot of strain.
How dare you speak ill of her!
She's an amazing little Chinese woman!
She makes me happy.
...which is more than I can say about you.
Just to clarify a few things...
...the night you tried to burn us alive...
...I didn't sleep with anybody but you.
Oh yeah...
...why were you with him?
He's the captain of this ship.
I'm his first mate. I should kill you!
...for what you did to us.
I didn't do anything OK?
It was Bernard's idea!
I don't believe you.
I was going through an emotionally disturbing time, OK?
I...I....I've worked through my...
...I've worked through my issues.
I've become a better man because of it.
And I realize that...I don't need you to love me.
...Because...
...I love myself now.
Finally!
Besides...you're not that unique...
...you're just an attention whore.
What's that supposed to mean?
You heard me!
You don't have the capacity to love.
You're afraid to love.
You're worried that you're gonna...
...end up like I did.
Confused...and looking for someone who's...
afraid of true love too.
Besides...you're a sexual whore.
What! You said I was the best lover on this side of the Caribbean.
Then I met Hai.
What's so unique about Hai?
She's more passionate...
...she's exotic...
And...she knows how to pleasure a man with her hands.
Well, I remember pleasuring you pretty damn well.
OK, it's different.
It's an Eastern thing.
You just wouldn't understand.
I'm just on a different sexual plane than you...and...
I...I...I've been enlightened...
...to pleasure with Hai.
Does she lick...and vigorously stroke you til you explode in her mouth?
Hai! Hai! Don't cry.
I was just kissing him goodbye.
No, no Jules. She needs to hear the truth.
You no ruv me?
No I ruv you more than anything.
But I need you to give me my alone time.
Do you understand?
You ruv me?
Yes, I love you.
OK. I let you fuck her. I come back later.
You're going to let me have sex with her?
Yeah. I just want to hear you ruv me.
You can make anybody make you happy, as long as you ruv me.
Marco.
Uh huh?
This could be fun.
Hai, would youlike to stay and help our happy...
Oh, Panda Bear, you make me so happy. I ruv you.
I love you too.
Who's your captain now, Jules?
Feeling better, Commander?
Ship shape, Captain. I don't know how to thank you.
No need to thank me. We're family.
Aye, Captain.
You didn't. Oh.
The Stagnetti thing. It was nothing really.
Defeating the most vicious pirate the world has ever known.
Again....Child's play.
All in a day's work.
I'm proud of you. You were very brave.
Lilt.
Governor Lilt.
Who in his right mind...
...would elect Littleton as a governor.
You may enter.
Captain, may we have a work with you.
Yea, you may.
I was just writing a letter.
For Governor Littleton to give to the king.
I wanted to apologize for doubting you.
You're truly a ... brave sea warrior.
Brave?
I merely did what was necessary.
That makes me just a man.
Beautiful man.
I won't argue with you there.
I wish to thank you for saving my life.
I will always be in your debt.
It was nothing. And when we return to Kingston...
...and Governor Littleton bestows to Sarina a full pardon...
Then you can thank me properly.
yes. Kingston.
yes. About Kingston.
What about Kingston.
I was hoping we could hold off going to Kingston.
We need to get back to Shebulba Island now.
Shebulba. What for?
I have reason to believe my sister is prisoner there.
Made a decision.
We sail directly to Kingston, then back to Shebulba.
Edward, I've already told you.
Governor Littleton will never pardon Sarina.
Let's get Kingston, maybe we can rectify the situation.
Why don't you let us rectify the situation?
And you get us to Shebulba Island.
What if the Royal Navy finds Sarina first?
Sarina's fine.
Besides, we always have you to protect me.
Look at these mighty guns of glory.
Yes, I am a mighty frigate of destruction.
We need to go back to Shebulba Island.
My sister needs you.
How could I possibly turn down 3 beautiful women in need?
However, something doesn't feel right.
Does this feel right?
Perhaps sailing directly to Shebulba...
...is exactly the proper course of action.
I'll inform the helmsman.
...right away of the course change.
We'll immediately set sail for Shebulba Island.
Rub your face in it.